I hold the key.

I am worthless. I am unlovable. I am broken. I am stupid. I am ugly. People feel sorry for me and that's the only reason I have any friends. I am not good enough. I am undeserving of love and affection. I am constantly a burden and nobody wants to be around me. I have not accomplished anything good in my life. 

These are things that the devil and the world tells me that I am. I hear them everyday. 

John 10:10 says that "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full".

My Jesus has something different to say about me..
I am made in his image. Genesis 1:27

Jesus says that I am cherished. I am beautiful. I am strong. I am able. I am valued. I have potential.  I am outrageously loved. I am wanted. I am complete. I am smart. I am worthy. And there is a perfect plan for my life that Jesus himself wrote for me. 

I have been freed from the bondage these lies have had over my life before, but that bondage slowly creeps back every once in awhile. The chains that have been broken in my life sometimes start to bind me again and I do not notice it until they are so tightly secured to me that I become numb. I allow it to happen. I throw Satan the key to my chains and by not standing up for myself I give him permission to hold me back. When we become Christians, God gives us the right to use his name against Satan. How cool is that? When we are being spiritually attacked, all we have to do is speak out the name of Jesus and the devil flees. "Even the demons believe this, and they tremble in terror" it says in James. The battle over my life has already been won. I have given my life to Jesus. I have to remind myself daily that by the grace of God, I get to walk in that freedom. 

I am often spiritually attacked when I am about to be used for the kingdom of God. The devil knows exactly what lies to spit at me to cause me to doubt myself, to make me cower. Satan wants nothing more than to destroy me and hold me back from accomplishing the things the Lord has set before me. I have to stop allowing it. 
Thank you Jesus for coming to earth, so that I might have life.
I am a child of God. My chains are gone, I've been set free. 

Today is a piece of my someday.

Someday, I will know the full extent of the plan that currently awaits me. The plan for my life, for my future, has already been created. My story has been written by the same God who created this universe, the same God who has overcome the world. I often wish that I could know what the rest of my life will look like. Where will I go? What will I do? Who will I marry? Who will my children be? These are thoughts and questions I have every single day. I have an overwhelming desire to love and be loved. My heart longs to start my own family, to raise my own children in a household that serves the Lord. There are so many days that I become discouraged. I find myself wondering if that will ever happen for me. Other days I am so confident that God will give me the desires of my heart. He gives us those desires for a reason, right? He wants me to be happy, that is why He created a plan for ME, that is perfect. So, why is it so easy for me to doubt that?

I need to be encouraged. This world has the power to pull me down so quickly that it often happens before I am even aware that I am falling. Someone who I admire very much reminded me today that "when you aren't looking to Jesus, who is the way, the truth and the light of the world.. all you can see is darkness, death and lies". This world often makes me a person that I am not proud of. If I spent more time reminding myself of the truths that have been written on my heart, I think those thoughts would eventually fade away for good. That is why I need to be encouraged. I am so blessed with people in my life who do just that. The last few months I have been overwhelmed with appreciation and thankfulness for those people in my life. I don't feel like I am worthy of the family I have been blessed with.  I don't feel like I deserve the friends I have, that I could not live without. I am surrounded daily by friends and family who never stop amazing me.

Despite the things that I know to be true of the Lord, I still have days where I feel discouraged. Usually, in the moments where I feel the weakest, with perfect timing, I am given reminders that turn me around. Don't get me wrong, just because I have days that are a struggle, doesn't mean that I am not happy. I am happier now than I can remember ever being in my life.  I wake up in the morning and a feeling runs throughout me that I cannot explain as anything other than peace. Peace. Peace that surpasses all understanding.

I know God has a plan for me, and every single day I see another tiny piece of it come to be. Every single day, every breath that I am blessed to take.. is a part of that plan. My life belongs to my Jesus. No matter what happens, good or bad.. it is part of a plan that is bigger than I can comprehend. Even in moments that are hard to understand, I feel peace. I feel overwhelming loved and there is nothing that can compare to that.

Father, let my heart be after you.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n6fHuzVtWkQ

A Broken Christmas

Christmas feels different this year. I am 21 and this is the first year that it has hit me, that Christmas brings more pain than joy for so many. The magic seems to be gone. When I woke up this morning, my first thought was not the same as it has been on Christmas mornings in the past. Today, my first thought was of the people in my life who are suffering and it broke my heart. I know so many people who have experienced tragedy, heartbreak and devastation this year. These things are all around us in this messed up world we live in. This world is more broken than ever before, it is crumbling around us. This world needs Jesus. Christmas is a time where we should be surrounded by family and the people who we love, but there are so many who don't have that. There are countless people who feel the sting of the loss of a loved one all over again during this season. I will never understand why bad things happen to good people. The more I think about, the less I can comprehend it. In the midst of all the chaos in the world around me, I often find myself feeling guilty about my happiness. I feel so blessed and lucky. I have an amazing family and many friends that I would not trade for the world. I know that I have not experienced trails that compare to the ones that others have. I try to prepare myself for tragedy to strike in my life, but I know that I will not be ready. Today though, I am content. I am so happy and at peace with my life. I have the hope of a bright future, of a bright eternity in heaven. I cherish my fragile life, but I cannot wait to get to heaven. A place where there will be no pain, suffering, tragedy or devastation. The older I get the more I realize that there is no point in worrying about the future. I want to be prepared for the worst, but not fear it. There is no fear where God is found. His love casts out fear, and that is something that I will be forever thankful for. I have spent the majority of my life living in constant fear of nearly everything. That chain has been broken in the name of Jesus. This Christmas I am thankful for the many blessings in my life. I am thankful that Jesus came to earth as a baby so that He could eventually die for my sins. More than anything else today, I am praying for the people in my life, and in the world who have had Christmas broken forever by tragedy.

Here I am

Aug 10, 2011

Today, my mind has been racing with questions, worries, fears, and anxiety. After realizing how much time I was wasting with these feelings and thoughts, I decided to stop, be still and allow God to remind me of His promises. There were a lot of things revealed to me in that time and I decided to write them down so that I wouldn’t forget. After writing it all out, I decided to share it. Even though I don’t have answers for all the questions I was asking myself, it made me think and it caused me see my situation in a different light.

Be still and be encouraged.
“Be still, and know that I am God” Psalm 46:10.

 I often stop what I am doing and ask myself… Is this what God wants for me, and is this part of his plan for me? This question usually leaves me with no answer or the comfort I am looking for. Why is that? That makes me then, also wonder if that is even a realistic question to be asking. Maybe it is just that God wants us to move, to continue taking steps and if we have him in mind in the midst of everything we do, no matter what it is, that he will use it to glorify him, if we allow him to. So, is it up to me to make the decision of what I will do next? Or do I stay still and wait? As much as I would sometimes like the answer to be to wait, I feel like I should keep moving forward. I get so overwhelmed in times like this, when I don’t know what is next for me. I complete a phase of life, and I am left with so much worry and stress to take the next step. But it is hard to take the next step when you have no idea what it is going to be. In these moments, I usually begin to wonder if God is really there, walking in front of me. Today, I realized that maybe the fact that God has not given me specific instruction of what to do next, means that he isn’t necessarily walking in front of me, making my path clear of obstacles. Maybe right now he is just standing next to me to help me when I do face troubles, or make a wrong turn. He is giving me a choice. Instead of waiting for him to move, I have to start going forward and he will be with me, every step of the way. In order for God to work, I must first make the choice to run. He knows I cannot do it on my own strength, even in the moments when I think I can. I am weak and I need more than to be set on to a path, and pushed to start moving. I need someone to walk, run, and sometimes carry me on the path of my life. I can’t even explain how thankful I am for the fact that I have a God who wants nothing more than to do just that for me.


“Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.” Hebrews 12:1

I believe that God knows the desires of my heart, and I know that he wants to give them to me. In fact, I believe that He gives us those desires for a reason. God has a plan for ME; he wants me to be happy.I am on earth to serve God and bring him glory, so why is that not my main focus? Why is it that this is so often put in the back of my mind? Why do I let the things of this world cloud out the truths of God that have been written on my heart? I have my problems, struggles, doubts and countless fears… but I am promised a happy ending and that is what I will continue to hold on to as tightly as I possibly can through this storm. It says in John 16:33 “I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world." That same God who has already won, who has ALREADY overcome this world, loves ME. He loves me because he loves me because he loves me. I can mess up, I can get lost in the world that pulls me down so easily and he will still be there, every time with open arms to pick me back up.

Who am I to doubt the same God that has overcome the world?

 Here I am, standing half way in what feels like two entirely different worlds. But how long can I stand this way? I have so many options. The two that are the heaviest on my heart and on my mind are two that are polar opposites from each other. How do I choose one? How can I want two things so badly when they are so different from each other? While I decide, I can stay still, or I can chose to move forward. I think that if I would just take one small step, that the answer will become undoubtedly clear. I currently stand in two completely different worlds. My heart is in missions, in helping and loving others and sharing the gospel and Gods love with them. At the same time, my head is in the world, in money, in people, and ultimately… in myself. I am at a point in my life where I have to start making decisions, ones that can alter the course of my life. Will I do what is comfortable, maybe easier and will get me somewhere faster? Or will I step out in faith, and accept an opportunity that could cause me to face the biggest challenges I have faced so far, knowing that it will lead to other amazing opportunities and experiences, one that will allow God to use me in undeniable, outrageously incredible ways? The answer seems so obvious, so why can’t I answer it through actions? Is it fear, doubt, anxiety? Or does God want me to be still before Him, to hear something He wants to tell me? I don’t know the answer.

Tonight, I am full of questions. I don’t have answers for any of them yet. I don’t know what will come next. I don’t have a plan, but I do have a choice to make. Will I allow my worries; fears and cares of the world control my actions and decisions? Or will I give everything back to God? This isn’t always an easy decision. I will have to wake up and remind myself of these things daily. Like I have said, I have questions that need answering and choices that need to be made. All I know is that as of tonight, I have made at least one choice that I am absolutely sure is right and will start me in the right direction…

Here I am God, do whatever you want with me.